Hedonism got way out of a hand when the internet came along and the sex toy market exploded like, well, a bukkake video. Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think of) are out there to give some lonely shut-in the pleasure they can’t get from molesting a damp slice of bread. Things like these …
Pig Tail Butt Plug
This thing actually exists and as such, we feel soiled. And at most, 5 percent turned on, but that’s pushing it.
Fun Website Quote:
“Make ‘em squeal loud and hard with their new black pig tail butt plug! It doesn’t get much more humiliating than this.”
Area 51 Love Doll
The inflatable doll market is saturated with all manner of nearly identical, buoyant and boring rubbery women. However, every so often a visionary appears to make a new and exciting love doll, the kind that renews our passion for the loneliest, most pathetic form of self gratification known to man.
Fun Website Quote:
“Its pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supple breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy.”
Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack
We’re not saying we know everything there is to know about sex, though we have spent a lot of time, uh, reading about it. But in none of our experience have we happened upon a case when bagging someone up like a Christmas tree on its way to the dump was a way to initiate coitus.
Fun Website Quote:
“This total body sack is so comfortable, I could spend an entire night in it.”
Houdini Locking Steel Cock Chastity
We’re pretty certain neither Houdini nor his estate have anything to do with this. While the great escape artist was known for being able to free himself from some pretty tight squeezes, the odds are his wang didn’t have its own road show where it did the same thing.
Nonetheless this product exists, apparently for the sole purpose of slapping what appears to be roughly 10 pounds of leftover steel plumbing bits to your unit, just so you can’t fiddle with it.
Fun Website Quote:
“The tubular steel design makes it impossible to masturbate with this in place and the ratcheting cuff makes sure it stays put until the keymaster is in the mood to release you.”
Playboy
Midoris Expert Guide To Sensual Bondage DVD
The Cone
There was a scene in Billy Madison when Adam Sandler is talking to a kid when he first gets to high school and the kid says “I was a loser in denial too. Until the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass.” Remember that? So did the designers of this toy. But unlike you, they thought it was an awesome idea.
Fun Website Quote:
“The funky, contemporary style means it doesn’t need to be hidden away in the bedroom drawer.”
Anal Speculum
Sex toys are often sold under the guise of bringing couples together and based on experiences we’ve repressed from summer camp in our teen years, we feel confident saying that few things get you closer to another human than an anal speculum.
Fun Website Quote:
“Perfect for … medical/clinic scenes for the sadistic proctologist.”
Orca
Sometimes you get to the point where the standard human dong just doesn’t do it for you, no matter how unrealistic the proportions. For those people, the caring deviants in the fake dong industry put their skills to work in making a dildo modeled after the junk of an orca whale.
An orca whale.
Fun Website Quote:
“it is over 15 (inches) without the base”
The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion Vibe
Did you happen to have a Space Hopper when you were a kid? And were you hoping someone could make your childhood memories of that toy disturbed and traumatic? Today is your lucky day.
This delightful little inflatable foot stool is designed with a flat bottom, so no more falling down and breaking bones then having to call the EMTs and explain you were just dusting when you slipped and somehow got this jammed in your nether regions.
Fun Website Quote:
“… try controlling your wild, bucking passion!”
Electro-Sex Glove Set
It is a scientific fact that every human being will, at one time or another, have a sexual fantasy in which they’re that really weird Gremlin from Gremlins 2 that got turned into electricity and stuck in the phone lines. Guaran-damn-teed. It was for that reason that this product was made. Now, without having to involve any Mogwai at all, you too can electrocute the living shit out of yourself, your partner, the cat, the mailman, or anyone else you can chase down and grab hold of. As an added bonus, it will all be super sexy.
Fun Website Quote:
“Do not use on eyelids or broken skin. Not intended for use for those with a cardiac pacemaker or if you are pregnant.”
Auto Suck
Because driving alone can often leave a man horribly aroused yet unfulfilled, the Auto Suck was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter. We figure this invention is a good thing because there’s probably tons of school buses out there full of kids who’ve never once driven past a man humping what amounts to a vacuum attachment in his car. How else will they learn about the world?
Fun Website Quote:
‘do not use while driving!’
Kaylani’s Foot Fetish
Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know there are people who get off on things like smoking, riding crops, vomit, amputees, slide whistles, artichokes, the elderly and yes, even feet. And while a foot fetish is one thing, this appears to be a rubber foot with a vagina heel.
Wait, what?
Fun Website Quote:
“Smaller than the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!!”
The Pleasure Periscope
One of the big complaints about sex that most people have is that they can’t see four inches inside their partner’s special areas. If only nature had created some manner of lighted probe to accommodate that. Where nature fails, the sex toy industry excels.
Fun Website Quote:
“The viewer window and inside light allow you to self-examine as you self-stimulate!”
Kochi the Anime Doll
Because maybe some people want to mix deviant sexuality and a full fledged nightmare together in a real world setting, this thing exists. This horrible, dead-eyed abomination with three usable holes.
Fun Website Quote:
“show her who’s boss”
Playboy
Hot Buns Calendar 2011
Best-selling Hot Buns gets to the bottom of things in 2011. Temperatures will rise with this collection of rear view shots. The attributes of these models are hot, hot, hotter than ever. Need we say more? Dimensions 12 inches x 12 inches
Dildo Gas Mask
We’re not really sure about the logistics involved in this, although it does vaguely reminds us of a He-man action figure we once saw. That’s kinda cool. Also, safe sex is important and if you have a habit of releasing tear gas during love making then this is right up your alley, so to speak.
Prince’s Wand
One look at the design of this thing told us we don’t want to know what it does.
Seriously, don’t tell us.
Fun Website Quote:
“Here is our latest piss hole stuffer.”
Mr. Jack With Mustache
Hey, remember when we said that tongue thing would be most likely to get a horror movie? We were way fucking wrong.
Near as we can figure, this was designed for people who wanted a blowjob from an incognito Guy Smiley using Burt’s eyebrows as a mustache without the rest of his Muppet head getting in the way.
Whatever the case, we haven’t slept for days for fear an army of these will attack us and attach themselves to our spinal cords.
