In 2009, there were a lot of random and hilarious sex accidents. But pfft, that was nuthin’! As it turns out, in 2010, people didn’t get less freaky deaky. In fact, the headlines got even more out of control. So, if you thought you had a whack year, keep reading …
1. A man chopped off his own wang. Why? Well, after spending five years in a prison in Spain for a violent crime, he wanted to avoid being deported back to his homeland of Kazakhastan. So, he whacked his manhood off before they could put him on a plane back home. Basically, the dude’s argument is it’s better to be a castrada than a Kazakh … or being Borat? Really? with a knife
2. How many dudes have you watched date a girl who looks exactly like their ex? Well, you could argue that they have a type. But what if a guy takes it one step further and actually has a doll replica of his ex made for the cool cost of $18,000? Italian maker Diego Bortolin said construction of the sex doll took forever because he had to recreate all her details perfectly, down to her nails and teeth. But the buyer wanted one tiny change; apparently, the 50-year-old business man said, “I want it just like her but with bigger boobs.” Double yuck.
3. Who knew finding the mom who gave you up for adoption could be illegal? Well, that is if you have sex with said mom. When a 54-year-old, Seattle-area woman, Kathryn Thornton, met her biological son, the two of them decided they wanted to revisit the place she last had him—her vag. He was 33, and it was a consensual relationship that lasted 18 months, but she made the first move by lying in bed next to him. Anyway, now she’s facing a year in jail for incest and having to register as a sex offender. But her son got off scot-free, well, except for all that emotional trauma …
4. While you might wish that sometimes you couldn’t see whom you were having sex with, one man had to seek medical attention because he literally goes temporarily blind every time he orgasms. Luckily, doctors were able to solve his problem after discovering it was related to blood flow. But seriously, high-five to the ladies who made the dude blind from sexy times! [Note: It’s still 2010, people. I’m letting Simcha’s favorite phrase slide until the new year.—Editor] That’s def bragging rights …
5. The Berns Hotel in Stockholm is providing all kind of amenities for guests, especially of the kinky kind. Next to the Bible in the bedside drawer are some sex toys, keeper uppers, and handcuffs. The local police are none to happy about this because they feel the hotel encourages the sex trade. But, what about the cleanliness issue? I mean, I don’t even want to touch the remote in a hotel now!
6. This year, Pleasures of Alabama became the first adult toy store drive-thru in the world. Using an old Wells Fargo bank building in Huntsville, the sex shop owner plans to cash in by selling whips, lubes, and vibes through the chutes in discreet paper bags. Heck, those toys may get a better ride out of the store than they will in the bedroom!
7. A 21-year-old UK man with learning disabilities is using government welfare to get himself laid. After taking a couple sexual health courses, he’s applying his discretionary funds to fly to Amsterdam to do it with a prostitute and lose his virginity, finally. His social worker completely supports his plan, saying, ““Refusing to offer him this service would be a violation of his human rights…. We can’t place restrictions on a young man who wants to experience the world.” That’s right—go get yours! Also, anyone else think this would make a great premise for a coming-of-age movie?
8. Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi has made a lot of headlines with his penis, and one extra one for Mars’ poker. The head of state ordered $95,0000 restoration of the broken-off peen on a Roman marble statue of Mars. But, much like his personal life, the politician did it wrong. He ignored traditional restoration techniques and the statue is not even his! It was was on loan from the Terme di Diocleziano Museum to be displayed in the official entrance of Berlusconi’s Palazzo Chigi. Luckily, the part is removable.
9. If you thought the sex toy hotel was pervy, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet! At the Markumm Inn in Eugene, the hotelier and his wife like to get naughty with guests and employees. Guess Ward and Julie Frederick wanted to be The Hedonism resort of Oregon … except without the consensual part. Or as the employee filing a lawsuit recounts, the Fredericks “began asking the guests and employees to guess the measurements of Mr. Frederick’s penis and asked employees to rub lotion on Mr. Frederick. Mr. Frederick then began masturbating in front of the guests and employees so the measurements of his erect penis could be taken, and so others could play a ring toss game on his penis.” OMG. Way to ruin a fun game like ring toss, buddy.